The Silhouette behind the Instagram Profile (2) / Series
Henrieke Zenunllari
(@wheretreesstandstill)
(@wheretreesstandstill)
Extraordinarily detailed illustrations of animals, and an abundance of snapshots of vintage interiors: the Instagram profile ‘wheretreesstandstill’ in a nutshell. The woman behind this profile is Henrieke Zenunllari, a young and seemingly archetypal Dutch beauty who is bursting with creative energy. The images and the short texts that accompany them reveal, piece by piece, the burden of a past that is heavily marked by personality disorders. But her story goes beyond that. ‘For 34 years, I have been stuck in a loop of increasingly destructive coping mechanisms.’
34-year-old Henrieke lives in Dordrecht, South Holland, but her roots – as her surname suggests – are in Brasil. ‘I am all settled in the city by now, but I grew up in the countryside of (Dutch) Brabant. My parents bought an old farm and I spent a large part of my childhood in the stables, with the animals. That is where my love for animals, nature and The Netherlands was born.’
Henrieke is the third child of a family of four. She and her younger sister are not biologically related to their parents. ‘We were adopted and she isn’t my biological sister either. I was born in Castro, a Brazilian village. At the time, my adoptive parents worked there in a Dutch colony. They longed for another child and wanted to give underprivileged children a better future by ways of adoption. They got word of my birth from their neighbour who worked in maternity. I was my biological mother’s fifth child. My biological father passed away before I was born. I assume the situation was desperate, especially financially.’ Her parents wanted to take her in, but things had to move fast, or otherwise she would be taken to an orphanage. There was no talk of papers or any sort of adoption procedures. It was a matter of packing and leaving. The rest is history. Henrieke was only a few hours old. ‘My new mother had me registered at the municipality as her own child. Two years later they adopted another girl from the orphanage, after which we moved to the Netherlands so that my brothers could get their education close to home.
Nesting instinct
I come from a tight-knit family and have always had a strong bond with my mother. I knew from the beginning I was adopted. I looked up to her very much and strived to become an empathic woman, like her. She passed away last summer. I shared a lot from her sickbed on my Instagram, as well as from the grieving process I went through afterwards. The relationship with my father wasn’t bad, but I didn’t feel emotionally connected to him. In his family, everyone kept their feelings to themselves and there was little empathy for others. Not that he isn’t a loving father, but there is little understanding and therefore little meaningful conversation. I love him, but I had a much deeper bond with my mother.’
As Henrieke grows up she starts to feel more and more out of place. Her Brazilian temperament is incompatible with everything Dutch and her slightly coloured skin sets her apart from the other children. ‘I was actually liked because of it, but I struggled severely with being “different”. I came up with coping mechanisms that made me feel less displaced. For 34 years, I have been stuck in this loop of increasingly destructive patterns. I was deeply at odds with myself and suffered from various depressions in my adolescent years. As a teenager, I hung out with other children with foreign backgrounds in the hope I would feel more comfortable with them.’
I come from a tight-knit family and have always had a strong bond with my mother. I knew from the beginning I was adopted. I looked up to her very much and strived to become an empathic woman, like her. She passed away last summer. I shared a lot from her sickbed on my Instagram, as well as from the grieving process I went through afterwards. The relationship with my father wasn’t bad, but I didn’t feel emotionally connected to him. In his family, everyone kept their feelings to themselves and there was little empathy for others. Not that he isn’t a loving father, but there is little understanding and therefore little meaningful conversation. I love him, but I had a much deeper bond with my mother.’
As Henrieke grows up she starts to feel more and more out of place. Her Brazilian temperament is incompatible with everything Dutch and her slightly coloured skin sets her apart from the other children. ‘I was actually liked because of it, but I struggled severely with being “different”. I came up with coping mechanisms that made me feel less displaced. For 34 years, I have been stuck in this loop of increasingly destructive patterns. I was deeply at odds with myself and suffered from various depressions in my adolescent years. As a teenager, I hung out with other children with foreign backgrounds in the hope I would feel more comfortable with them.’
Bad choices
Henrieke met her husband, an Albanian who hardly spoke any Dutch, at the age of sixteen. Two years later they were married in the Albanian capital, Tirana. Getting married involved a lot of paperwork as her husband had a temporary residence permit. At the time, Henrieke was taking a degree in social work at an MBO-college (vocational secondary education, tw), but she dropped out and started working. Once the paperwork was completed, they moved into a small flat in South Holland. She took up studying again and graduated as a teaching assistant, but was unable to find a job which led her into the field of child care. Meanwhile, Henrieke’s mental health went from bad to worse and she went through a severe identity crisis. ‘The traumas that came with my adoption forced me to develop certain survival patterns. Last year, I underwent therapy with a contextual therapist. This branch of psychology is very much concerned with treating the patient in the context of their lives. This means that both the person “now” and, for example, the unheard and unseen child of the past are treated. The focus lies on family relations and the extent to which these have become unstable. I was at my wit’s end, I felt nothing but pain. Life wasn’t worth living anymore.’ In the end, nothing but faith stood between her and tragedy. ‘I was disgusted with myself and made some bad choices. I would never share any specific details about the nature of those bad choices and coping mechanisms on my Instagram. Topics such as these are sensitive and I don’t believe the details would add any value to my profile. Besides, I would be exposing my family’s life too. I want to shield myself and my family from the judgement and disapproval of others. Let’s just say that I was vulnerable to the attention and recognition of others and didn’t think my partner was the right one for me. I have never been unfaithful, but simply wanted to feel good. I have tried to end things with him twice, but it didn’t happen because he knew our relationship wasn’t the problem. We have been married for sixteen years now and we have two, almost three, sons. He has supported me unconditionally. ‘In spite of everything I stand for openness, truth and transparency, because life has taught me that these things take you the furthest and build character. Opening up to others and confronting oneself gets you thinking and stimulates certain processes of life.’ |
‘I was disgusted with myself and made some bad choices. I would never share any specific details about the nature of those bad choices and coping mechanisms on my Instagram. Topics such as these are sensitive and I don’t believe the details would add any value to my profile.' |